July 25th, 2001

Title: I Thought You Knew
Author: Anikka Sedai
Rating: PG
Warnings: None really. Angsty Yaoi thoughts from Dai-chan.

Notes: Hello everyone. I started this fic months ago and completely forgot about it. Found it when I was looking for blank disks. It's all about poor, misunderstood Daisuke and a failed romance. I feel bad for the kid, everyone seems to hate him.

Feedback: anikka_sedai@hotmail.com Please write me and let me know if you like it!!! C&C very much welcome
Archive : Sure. Knock yourself out, but let me know okay?
Disclaimers: I don't own Digimon or anything within it. Bummer. One, two, better not sue

“Dai-chan?”

The wall was not as interesting as he thought it might be. There were little cracks and crevices filled with gunk of varying colour, contrasting against an unimpressive sterile gray. He had assumed that if he stared at it long enough, something might happen. Perhaps that spider in the corner would move or the old paint would spontaneously peel before his eyes; no such luck.

“Daisuke?”

Was someone calling his name? There was a voice, he was sure, but it wasn’t quite registering. It may or may not have been calling him, there was no real way to be sure. Maybe he should look up and acknowledge the voice, if it existed at all. Maybe …

“Motomiya!”

A hard punch on the arm broke the transfixing spell the wall seemed to hold over him as his head snapped up sharply. There had been a voice after all, and apparently, it was annoyed with him. Dark eyes traveled leftwards until they met irritated cerulean. Takaishi again. A dull, automatic grin fell into place, protecting him from whatever he had to say. It was silly to think he needed protection from him, especially him, but it was comforting to have his shield up.

“Yeah?” he ventured enthusiastically, “What do you want Takeru?”

He looked past Takeru for a brief moment to see another, shadowed and leaning against the door frame. It had to be him, he thought. They were enviably inseparable these days, though Daisuke bared no hostility towards either of them. If they were happy then he would be happy for them.

He was happy all the time, even when he wasn’t.

Takeru seemed concerned. Then again, Takeru was always concerned for everyone. Why shouldn’t he be concerned for him as well? There was no real need for it, as nothing had ever really changed, and Daisuke was both suspicious and grateful for it. Suspicious because no one had ever really taken much of an interest in him before, and grateful for the same reason. His suspicions outweighed his gratefulness, but he wouldn’t let that show. He didn’t know how.

So he grinned like an idiot.

“Are you alright Dai-chan?”

Was he alright? That was an odd question. Of course he was all right. He didn’t have anything to complain about, nothing that would be considered whine worthy. But still he felt the need to whine, especially to Takeru. Takeru would listen. Takeru listened to everyone, even him. Why wouldn’t anyone else listen? Why don’t people want to listen? Do they care? Did he care?

"Of course I'm all right Takeru, why wouldn't I be?" he crowed with his expected energy, still smiling.

He wasn't all right. He wanted to get up on the table and scream it out loud to everybody, but he couldn't. All Daisuke wanted was someone to mean it when they asked; to sit and listen and understand. Was that too much to ask? He had thought that maybe Takeru would ... but when he looked into those eyes he saw them flitting back and forth between himself and the shadows. No, Takeru wouldn't listen, he didn't have to. Takeru had more important things to concern himself with these days, and Daisuke was happy for them. He was happy.

He had to be.

"Okay," Takeru replied, still attempting that fragile concern, "We're gonna go then, unless you want us to walk back with you."

Daisuke dismissed them with a wave of his hand. "No, no, don't worry about me. It's not a very far walk home and you two have things I'm sure you'd rather be doing than baby sitting me. Go on love birds, go!"

He made 'shooing' motions with his hands to emphasize his words, and Takeru grinned. He needed to be reassured that Daisuke would be fine on his own, or he wouldn't have felt good about himself later. The goggled boy knew that, and always humored his friends. They felt better when he did. Takeru hesitated a moment, a thoughtful expressing marring his features. He seemed to be studying Daisuke, who grinned impenetrably. Whatever was being concealed beneath that rock hard facade, no one knew about it. Takeru was sure that Daisuke was hiding something from them, but he didn't know enough about him to figure a way around his defenses, nor was he entirely interested in doing so anymore. So he smiled back at him, satisfied with the false cheerfulness.

"See you tomorrow Dai-chan."

"See ya."

Takeru was gone. They both left silently, neither looking back at Daisuke, who now sat alone in the empty computer room. He heard them whispering something to each other, something about whether or not they should leave Daisuke alone, but he didn't pay much attention. He knew in the long run they would just go and leave him to his own devices. After all, that's what everyone else did.

Blankly, he stared at the wall for a long time. He had no where else to go or nothing to do. Home was not a tempting prospect, and all of his friends were busy. Still. he didn't really mind being alone, it gave him time to think. Some people would laugh, he thought, at the very notion of him, Motomiya Daisuke, thinking. He thought a lot, all of the time, about everything and nothing. Sometimes there would be a deeply philosophical insight, while other times a ponderence over why people drove on a parkway and parked in a driveway. Time alone used to be so precious too him, but now it seemed like all he had was time.

Time to do what? To think of course. But why did he have to think all of the time. Thinking only lead to realization. Realization only lead to acceptance. Acceptance only lead to commitment. Commitment only lead to suffering. Daisuke didn't want to think about his life, and he wasn't ready to commit to mediocrity. Things were supposed to be different after he went to the Digital World. Not like this. He thought they would like him, that this would be the chance he so desperately wanted to reinvent himself. But Daisuke had been unable to get rid of his mask, thus creating an impenetrable defense that the others would never see past. Not that anyone ever tried. All of that bravado he had tried to front was mistaken for idiocy, and it had stuck with him. The idiot; the brainless leader; the one to be tolerated. In the end, he was sure, that the friendship between himself and the other Digidestined was just that ; tolerance of company.

Did they consider him their friend? He had thought so. But looking at it introspectively perhaps they realized they needed him to fight the evils in the Digital World, and was accepting of his eager company. He fought with them, Takeru especially, but Daisuke had always assumed it was part of the process. How can you truly be a friend when you can't bicker and make up again? Taichi and Yamato, from what he was told, fought all of the time and now they were the poster boys for gay couples. He and Takeru fought, though he was always hurt when the blonde would insult or attack him. But Daisuke had come to realize that he and Takeru were not Taichi and Yamato.

"What went wrong?" he asked to himself numbly, sending a pleading look to the gray walls for an answer.

"Takeru .... you know that I ... you have to know ..."

The blonde stumbled backwards a bit, still reeling from shock. The panicked look in those cerulean depths betrayed a sense of confusion, and perhaps regret. Daisuke saw no anger though, and was convinced that he would not physically attack him.

"Daisuke ... I ... I didn't know ..."

He didn't know. That was the thing that got to Daisuke the most. Thinking you've gone unnoticed for so long is painful, but to discover that you actually have, that's a million times worse. His heart had been toyed with for so long though, he had forgotten what it was like to be happy.

The familiar numbness settled back in quickly, protecting the goggled one from further hurt. It would be fine in a few days, but right now he couldn't stand to look at the one he had loved so much and cared so little for him.

"Don't worry about it T.O," Daisuke chuckled tonelessly, skewing Takeru's name and averting his gaze to the floor, "It was stupid of me to say anything. Forget what I said, just forget everything, okay?"

"Daisuke ... we should have told you -"

"It's my fault for not seeing anything between you sooner. I hope he makes you happy Takeru. I just want you to be happy."

And the blonde had been happy, much to Daisuke's simultaneous relief and sadness. When they came out and told everyone, the rest of the Digidestined had been very supportive of the new couple. He congratulated them on the outside, sharing in everyone's mutual happiness. But on the inside he was screaming; screaming for someone to notice his pain. Shaking his head, Daisuke almost laughed at himself. He should have never said anything to Takeru about his feelings. A long time ago, someone told him that feelings were just a weakness, and he was a fool for not having listened to this advice.

A fool.

"Hey you!"

An irritated, dusty voice caused the young boy to suddenly snap to attention. Darting his vision to the left he saw the elderly school janitor standing in the doorway, foot tapping in an angry rhythm.

"Huh?"

Daisuke had lost all track of time, and this new venture into awareness left him a little disoriented and unable to think of anything more intelligent to reply with.

"What the Hell are you still doing here? The school closed hours ago and its getting late. Get out!"

How long had he been sitting there? To long, apparently. The janitor had an angry scowl on his leathery face, and Daisuke, not wanting to risk the wrath of an adult, smiled at him dimly. There was a slight flash of pity in the old man's eyes, but the stern expression held as Daisuke rose to his feet.

"I'm very sorry sir," he apologized, bowing his head low, "I just lost track of time. I'll go now."

He hastily grabbed his book bag and made a running retreat, sneakers thudding with hurried steps down the hall. The janitor watched him go, leaning against his broom for support. How long had that kid been sitting there by himself, he wondered. It seemed odd to him, but sometimes he just didn't understand the children these days. That boy - Daisuke he thought. He was always cheerful, surrounded by people, yet ... he seemed so lonely and pathetic. Perhaps he was neglected, or someone had done something to him, the old man couldn't be sure. One thing he could see though was that the boy was sad, and he regretted being so harsh with him.

"Strange," he muttered to himself before emptying the waste basket.