Standard Disclaimers : Final Fantasy VIII and it's characters belong to Square and I don't own 'em. I could say that I do, but that would be a lie. Lying is fun, except when itlands you in jail for fraud.

I can't even remember how I ended up here ; sitting on a decrepit stool at the end of a bar, which had only been one in a long line of many. Come to think of it, I can't even remember half of the names of the places I've been in tonight. The result of too much to drink, or perhaps, as someone might try to convince me otherwise, a Guardian Force. That would be a pretty uneducated guess, seeing as how my only GF has been drawn and stolen from me.

The place was a hole, not in a typical fashion of most of Esthar's establishments, but not totally unexpected. The blades of a single ceiling fan turned agonizingly slow, not getting rid of the foul smelling air, but moving it around. Collecting, shifting, and reorganizing each smell and redirecting it to every corner of the bar. An ancient piano was collecting dust in an out of the way alcove, probably silent for over a decade judging by the amount of build up. In it's place, a rusted jukebox was spewing out an assorted collection of music, most of which I've never heard before. The atmosphere in here is depressing ; people only came to a place like this to either drown their sorrows or pick up a vulnerable person to manipulate for whatever would suit their purpose.

Rock bottom I would say. Never in my life had I ever thought that I would end up in a place like this, surrounded on all sides by these pathetic, lonely people, and come to realize that I had become one of them. Now that was depressing. Looking at your reflection in a crusty, dirt-covered pane of glass and seeing a hopeless shell staring back at you. Where were all the dreams of glory and power now? Why was I not entitled to the good life I was promised?

"Fill up yer drink lady?"

Glancing up briefly from an empty glass, I see a bloated grease-ball of a man hovering over me, a smug smart ass expression on his face, yet a thick air of ignorance hung about him ; not to mention body odor and a poorly chosen cologne that did nothing to hide the stench. An unidentifiable food particle in stuck to his chin, and I have to look away in disgust.

"NEGATIVE."

I was sufficiently drunk by now, and more liquor would do nothing but put me into an unimaginable haze of stupidity. I need to keep some semblance of reasoning with me, if only just to be able to think. He grunted something unintelligible and shuffled off. Still, out of the corner of his eye, the man was staring. I could feel him watching me, as many people tended to do. Maybe it was the eye patch. Or my speech pattern. Or a combination of the two of them, I can never be quite sure with people.

I was always told that if I kept up the act of the 'pirate with a speech impediment', people would look away. Or cringe to themselves in revulsion. Either way, I would be the subject of controversy. The ultimate horrible conversation piece if you will. Never a real lady, but a sort of side-showish version that could never be accepted by men in general. I can't remember who told me that, though I suspect it may have been my mother. But not everyone was like that. Some people actually liked me for who I was on the inside, not fearing what could lie under the strip of black cloth. When I was in Garden I felt like I belonged, that I had friends. My friends. My posse.

We were supposed to be together ; a posse, you can't break up people like that. I still don't fully understand why he did it. Why he would risk a brilliant career as a SeeD to become a sorceress' lap dog. I can't stand to think that Seifer Almasy had been so easily manipulated ; used and thrown away like nothing more than a child's play thing. He had always been a source of strength for Raijin and me, cocky as hell but strong enough to stand up for what he believed in. He thought he was doing a good thing ; the virtuous knight of the sorceress. What a fool he had been, but maybe I was the bigger one for believing in him. It took us too long to realize our mistakes, and even longer for Seifer. I didn't want to be the one to crush his dreams.

I wonder where they are now? Seifer, I have no idea at all. After we left the Lunatic Pandora, Raijin told me that he was going to Fisherman's Horizon for a little while, to do a little fishing (obviously) and think about where he would go and what he would do. I miss the guy. Sure he was a little annoying and lazy, and he was inept at a lot of things, but we're still friends, even if I probably kicked him too many times than he deserved. But, we were all supposed to be together. Somehow, the way things turned out, the very principals of our group went out the window. We were a posse without a cause. Disbanded, and more than likely forgotten.

Quite suddenly, the jukebox in the corner made a horrible sound as the inner workings grinded together in a scratchy mechanical symphony. It was changing tapes. There were a few moments of silence before a new song began to play, and I cringed when the familiar melody filled the bar. That song. That disgustingly romantic song that always makes me want to cry.

"Whenever sang my songs
on the stage, on my own
Whenever sad my words
Wishing they would be heard.

I saw you smiling at me,
Is this real or just my fantasy ..."

Under my breath I cursed Julia Heartily for ever meeting the man she wrote that about. This song always reminds me of Seifer. It's probably my own fault though, caring for someone who was more interested in being remembered in the future to realize what was happening in the present. I'm not sure if what I feel for him is just deep friendship or something more. All of these lingering little emotions were troubling. There was no denying a physical attraction ; after all, Seifer was a good looking man. There's something about the tall, blue eyed, blonde types that no girl could resist. Still, that wasn't really the issue. I was willing to forfeit my whole career for his deluded dreams of glory, and for what? To be ignored. To wind up alone in a horrible bar surrounded by the pathetic and unlovable.

*Am I ... unlovable too?*

Even if I was in love with Seifer, there's nothing I can do about it. I haven't seen him since Raijin and I left the Lunatic Pandora after my little 'Posse' speech. Had Squall and his friends destroyed him? The world had obviously been saved, but I'm not too interested in the details of how or why. But if Ultamecia and Adel were defeated, than surely Seifer was. That didn't necessarily mean that he was dead, but if I know him as well as I think I do, his pride and his ego would have been slaughtered. I realize that I'll probably never see him again in my lifetime, but it would be nice to know that he was at least alive somewhere, trying to build his life back after this terrible tragedy.

Maybe tragedy was the wrong word to describe everything. Fate was probably a better one. Everyday at Balamb Garden, Seifer would say to me that he was destined for greatness, that generations would come to remember him as the hero who destroyed the evil in the world. I'm not sure if I believe in fate or destiny, whatever you'd like to call it. It seems to me that if a force that powerful can take one young man's dream and turn it so totally against him than it can't be something to be depended on or held in admiration. Seifer's fate was to face Squall Leonhart, that was certain. But why? Why did they have to be such bitter rivals when they were so similar? Damn Fate. Damn Fate to Hell for taking Seifer away from me and from his own dream.

I listened silently to the voice of Julia now long gone from the pain of a lonely existence, and I envy her so much. I hate this. Sitting alone, feeling sorry for myself and pining for a man I can never have. I can almost feel an expanding black void inside of me, tearing up my emotions and leaving nothing but an immense feeling of emptiness. You can't change the past, no matter how much you want to or how hard you try, I've come to realize that now. But God if I could. Existence wouldn't be such a pain anymore, such a bleak pit of never ending alcohol and despair.

I hate this so much.

Author's Note : Oh man, that's depressing. I think I want to go watch Saved by the Bell reruns in my under pants all night. I dunno. I kinda wanted to show what Fujin might have been thinking after she and Raijin bailed on Seifer in Lunatic Pandora. She's one of my absolute favorite characters (SHOCK!) from FF8. Like it? Hate it? Lemme know